tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7984279817224742892024-03-14T05:25:13.407-07:00NANSPLAININGAlways a day late and a dollar short.nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.comBlogger116125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-6254530046888542642013-11-25T09:03:00.001-08:002013-11-25T09:03:31.294-08:00A Deeper Look: Overcoming the Biases of Power to Go Beyond the Superficial<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Almost every day I see someone say that they’re not
racist or sexist. Sometimes they literally say, “I’m not racist, but…”
Sometimes it’s more subtle than that. Sometimes it’s terribly blatant, but only
to those who are awake to much more subtle and pervasive forms of racism and
misogyny. And it seems that many white people and men believe that if they
simply say that they believe in some very basic rights for people of color and
women and don’t even see color, they can then speak with impunity. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
This is why I don’t really think it’s helpful for us to
freak out when blatantly racist and sexist people say blatantly racist and
sexist things. It’s the micro-aggressions that do far more damage to actual
lives and are far harder to weed out, especially when micro-aggressors can
point to the flagrant and obvious aggressions and compare themselves to those
with positive results. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
You can be white and buy into white supremacy and <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2013/11/24/oprah-obama-racist-bbc-freedom-medal-column/3693405/">have
no problems with interracial marriage</a>. The fact that we as a society still
appear to believe that we can point to a few overt strides in civil rights and
tell ourselves that we live in a post-racial society actually stands in the way
of our doing real work to overcome discrimination in our society. The same
holds true with strides made by the feminist movement. I’ve had male acquaintances
claim they’re “totally feminist” because they believe women should be free to
speak their minds, when that is but the bare minimum and they continue to spew
misogynist thinking all over the place (that I am then, I suppose, free to call
them out on – oh goody). </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The other day I watched a panel discussion between civil
rights leaders in 1963 that originally aired in 1963. At some point, one of the
men says that they will know that civil rights have become a reality when black
unemployment isn’t twice that of white unemployment. My heart sank. Last year I
looked up unemployment statistics by race, and black unemployment was…twice
that of white unemployment. It was as if nothing had changed. Employment opportunity
is at the center of people’s ability to live free, equitable lives. If we’re
not fighting for employment opportunities for all people, then we are not
fighting for civil rights. And yet we defend ourselves and white supremacy when
we say that we’re past racism now. Surely, we may feel we’re past the use of
racial epithets as white progressives. But we still question people when they
interrogate what we’ve actually done to dismantle white supremacy. We say, “We don’t
say certain words anymore and interracial marriage is legal! What more do you
want from us?” I mean, it is ridiculous, and yet even most white progressives I
know refuse to interrogate their own racism because they don’t use slurs
(except when it’s funny!) and they aren’t the ones not hiring black people
(therefore they’re not involved in systemic racial injustice at all), so they
can’t possibly be racist! </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I remember the moment I realized I was an alcoholic. I
literally could not see it a single second before that point, but after that
moment is was as clear as day. And it became clear that it should’ve been
obvious months before. I’d been seeking help for deep depression and suicidal
ideation, but if anyone pointed out that I might have a problem with alcohol, I
simply stopped talking to them. I believed they were wrong because I wanted to
believe they were wrong. I wasn’t mentally ready to give up my alcohol yet, so
I COULD NOT SEE IT. And I’ve had the experience, too, of not seeing white
supremacy. I’ve defended my own problematic behavior, claiming that I didn’t
like the way I was being called out on it. It takes pretty constant exposure to
ideas that cause you to interrogate your own beliefs and every corner of your
thinking before you can see what everyone is talking about. It took a lot of
people pointing out the ways alcoholism manifested in my life, and then it took
me actually seeing those things happening and recognizing them as alcoholism.
It was a process, but the process was invisible until that moment that it
clicked into place.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
My declaring myself not an alcoholic didn’t make it so. I
was always an alcoholic. And declaring oneself not racist or sexist doesn’t
make it so, either. I feel like I shouldn’t have to say these things. I feel
like I’m probably saying something that other people have said before. I feel
like this shouldn’t even be revolutionary thought. But considering the number
of times in a single day that I see people in both my real life and the media
shoot down claims of racism and sexism with a very quick defense without any
consideration of systemic injustice, I figure it does indeed need to be said. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Nothing really changes when we only focus on superficial
markers of what white supremacist patriarchal capitalism (i.e. “mainstream
American culture”) calls racist and sexist. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-17126574664742692012013-11-06T06:42:00.002-08:002013-11-06T06:42:34.832-08:00Cowboys and Children Last weekend I took a trip on an airplane. The craft was only about a third full, so us travelers spread out; I got a whole row to myself. We were heading to Midland, a small town on the west Texas plains, and the man across the aisle from me was a cowboy: fancy western-style belt, jeans, boots, tanned and sun-worn skin, and a twang. He looked to be about 60, and with him was a little girl, probably 5 or 6.<br />
<br />
While boarding was still in process, he sat with the little girl and patiently read to her from her little kid books. He was gentle, and he spoke to the little girl in the voice that people use when talking to small children. I started thinking about dearly-held ideas about natural talents. Men aren't nurturing. Women are more caring and responsive to the needs of children.<br />
<br />
I know it's just a story about one man on a plane, but I see this regularly. I see men at the grocery store with their small children and no woman. I see men in restaurants helping their child make his way to the bathroom. I see dads post pictures of themselves playing with their kids on Facebook. And then there it is again; people saying with their words that men and women are different on this count while the world clearly shows me a different story.<br />
<br />
I'd argue the difference may be there, all right, but it's lessening because it was never natural; it was always socially constructed. Men aren't naturally less nurturing. They just didn't want to bother with childcare. When you care for children, it's a constant negotiation of your needs against theirs. It's a give and take, and it's very other-centered. If you've got the choice to feign being terrible at that job, allowing you to essentially then focus completely on yourself and avoid the "trap" of sharing your time with another, why would you not take it? If you can simply say, "I'm not good with kids -- you do it!" leaving the woman in your life to then take care of the sometimes boring and sometimes maddening minutiae of life, why would you not? I see women and men every day who buck the stereotype. Of course, one of these women is myself. I feel no special affinity for children. My uterus doesn't lead me toward them as if magnetized to their cuteness. I try to avoid them as much as possible, partially because they make me feel even more awkward than I usually do. And that man on the plane clearly had no trouble being nurturing to that little girl.<br />
<br />
Midland is a tiny airport of only five gates, and not many flights go in and out. The man was on my return flight, minus the little girl. This isn't an extraordinary story. It's not even particularly original to talk about whether or not these traits are nature, nurture, or unquestioned societal beliefs. But I'm regularly confronted by people parroting all kinds of beliefs about the world, repeating to me statements that so many take for granted like, "Women are more compassionate," or, "There's a little bit of truth in every stereotype. That's why they exist." We make so many assumptions. We skim the surface of ideas that have given us a sense of security, a way of approaching the world, and it would be nice to just put down our assumptions for a minute and pay attention.<br />
<br />
Part of me wants to assume that I don't even have to say any of this, but a larger part of me knows better. <br />
<br />
<br />nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-76366923123784904512013-09-30T06:30:00.001-07:002013-09-30T08:25:56.633-07:00A Review of Dan Paul Roberts' The Make Up<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkHRLbRHfU6r0wFvvtj23hzFCCM8LxM2nF8ef9vtZ-Orb6kcNP_nC46wPWAU3k2Kpkt2m0Wrl3IvoSY-ZcFePeLH341aBX7i89c9s7VV0jrFaEJ4f-u8lyw0syW6G9B4VFGITlut-uL_0C/s1600/dp.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkHRLbRHfU6r0wFvvtj23hzFCCM8LxM2nF8ef9vtZ-Orb6kcNP_nC46wPWAU3k2Kpkt2m0Wrl3IvoSY-ZcFePeLH341aBX7i89c9s7VV0jrFaEJ4f-u8lyw0syW6G9B4VFGITlut-uL_0C/s1600/dp.jpeg" /></a></div>
<br />
Full disclosure: I know Dan Paul Roberts, the artist behind the new album <i>The Make Up</i>, and I love him to pieces. I first met Dan Paul when I got a job working on some websites he designed, and over the years that we worked together we became great friends. Dan Paul is always talking about magick, and a few years ago he moved to New York City to explore all the magick one man can handle.<br />
<br />
When we first met, we both lived in Dallas, and even then Dan Paul declared that his ultimate dream was to become a pop star. With this new album, <i>The Make Up</i>, I can see that Dan Paul's sound is maturing while maintaining the fresh inventiveness that was his signature even way back then. One of the things that I've always loved about Dan Paul's songwriting is his ability to play with lyrics, even in the middle of seemingly serious songs about loss and heartache. You never know when Dan Paul will slyly arrange the words in such a way as to sound like he's referring to the "dirty" kind of "come..." right before finishing off the line with the word "clean" as he does on the opening track of <i>The Make Up</i>. You gotta listen to every line of this album to really get the playful nature of Dan Paul's inner child, a moniker that is usually kind of cheesy but in this case illustrates perfectly his general world view. Dan Paul likes to have fun, and you can feel that in his sound and his words.<br />
<br />
<i>The Make Up </i>is a very pretty album. Beautiful undulating pianos move over drum machine beats and various sounds, holding the album together with a common thread of smooth pop sound. It's got dancey elements without being dance music, which just adds to the feeling of lightness that imbues even deep tracks about heavy feelings with a sense of peace. Knowing Dan Paul like I do, it is this juxtaposition of so many different feelings -- a smooth and beautiful piano line married with lyrics about having lied about loving someone, for instance -- that really is at the heart of Dan Paul's magick (with a "k," always). If you like to explore every nook and cranny of your own emotions, Dan Paul's <i>The Make Up </i>is definitely for you.<br />
<br />
To learn more about Dan Paul Roberts and how to get your hands on <i>The Make Up</i>, visit his blog, <a href="http://danpaul.tumblr.com/post/62644243411/my-new-album-the-make-up-is-being-released-on" target="_blank">Wonderful Mess</a>. <br />
<br />
<br />nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-16930825715469672592013-09-14T11:25:00.002-07:002013-09-14T11:25:21.146-07:00False Equivalencies: How Anti-Choicers Manipulate By Bending the Truth
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On September 8<sup>th</sup>, the <i>Dallas Morning News </i><span style="font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.dallasnews.com/opinion/latest-columns/20130908-pastor-robert-jeffress-why-is-syrian-genocide-intolerable-while-u.s.-infanticide-is-protected.ece">published
an opinion piece</a> by local pastor Robert Jeffress. In this piece, Jeffress
draws a comparison between the situation in Syria and what he calls the “infanticide”
occurring in the United States, which is a reference to legal abortion. Despite
his efforts to convince readers that legal abortions are the same thing as the
killing of children in acts of aggression, he’s drawing a false equivalency and
blatantly disregarding actual facts in order to make his case. These are common
tricks amongst the anti-choice brigade – using emotional language to bend the
truth and illicit responses while ignoring reality. </span></div>
<div class="NoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="NoSpacing">
I’m not trying to make a statement about Syria with this
piece. I am instead addressing the problems inherent in Mr. Jeffress’s
arguments about abortion. </div>
<div class="NoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="NoSpacing">
First of all, abortion is not infanticide. This word sounds
terrifying, and I’m sure it plays well upon people’s fears,<a href="" name="_GoBack"></a>
but it doesn’t properly illustrate what abortion in this country actually looks
like. In fact, if you want to get technical, the definition of infanticide
requires that the child have been born prior to being killed. But later in the
essay, we see what Jeffress thinks abortion in this country looks like: “But if
we laid side by side the remains of the millions of children who have been
aborted in the last 40 years — many during the second and third trimesters with
discernible features — I imagine there would be an even greater outcry from the
American people.” And here we have the previously mentioned blatant disregard
for facts. Eighty-eight percent of abortions occur in the first 12 weeks of
pregnancy, <a href="http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_induced_abortion.html">according
to statistics</a> from the Guttmacher Institute. That’s the first trimester,
and that’s the vast majority of abortions. And only about 1.5% of abortions
happen after the 21 week mark, with a number of these being medically
necessitated abortions performed to protect the mother’s health or because of
dramatic complications with the health of the fetus. This line alone pretty
much blows Jeffress’s argument right out of the water. But he’s obviously
interested in scare tactics, telling people these aborted fetuses have “discernible
features” because only then can he make the connection between them and the
children dying in Syria. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="NoSpacing">
He then goes on to attack President Obama’s voting record on
abortion by bringing up a vote on a partial-birth abortion ban in the Illinois
State Senate in 1997, when Obama was a state senator. <a href="http://uspolitics.about.com/od/2008elections/tp/Obama_on_abortion.htm">Here
is Obama on his vote</a>: "On an issue like partial-birth abortion, I
strongly believe that the state can properly restrict late-term abortions. I
have said so repeatedly. All I’ve said is we should have a provision to protect
the health of the mother, and many of the bills that came before me didn’t have
that." Obama is a pro-choice president, and there is no denying that. But
the attempt here to use his voting record on a single piece of legislation with
a scary name as a reason to paint him as a monster is clearly misguided, and Mr.
Jeffress has to again keep certain facts to himself in order to make the reader
gasp in horror. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="NoSpacing">
Perhaps the most audacious statement comes next: “Many
progressives would counter that while they are not “pro-abortion,” they see “choice”
as a fundamental human right. But why are they not willing to extend that same
freedom of choice to Assad to exterminate the children of his nation?” This is
the crux of the argument, and it’s also an indefensible argument. One has to
make quite a leap in logic to liken the legal abortion of a 10 week fetus with
the killing of a 10 month old child. And in this argument we see what Mr.
Jeffress and other anti-choice activists think of the women involved in the
unintended pregnancies or experiencing health complications: they’re
non-existent. In fact, nowhere in the essay do you see him mention women at
all. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="NoSpacing">
Unfortunately, scary language works. But we can counter
scary language with facts. Mr. Jeffress ends his essay by saying that the only
support available for a moral code of any kind is God’s law, but that’s not
even true for many who believe in God. When a case can only be made by lying
and using manipulative language, what does that tell you? </div>
<!--EndFragment-->nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-10549735358236140252013-07-16T19:27:00.001-07:002013-07-16T19:27:26.229-07:00Men in Crisis? It's Not Even a Bad Hair Day. Today I read yet another piece about men in crisis. This time, it was <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/16/opinion/brooks-men-on-the-threshold.html" target="_blank">David Brooks with the New York Times</a>. He started out with a story about men who've been on the wrong side of history in times of transition, just like John Wayne's character in the movie <i>The Searchers</i>. He then used this interesting intro to take me right into the tired old argument that society has somehow come to favor girls and is leaving boys behind.<br />
<br />
While I do understand the argument that the definition of masculinity is changing (or, some might say, the role of concepts like "masculinity" is diminishing), I trust no one who promotes this as a symbol of men in crisis. However, there are certain arguments that I see repeatedly that I simply don't understand.<br />
<br />
Boys are seemingly doing worse in school, and so something must be very different and wrong about our schools now. We regularly hear about how the classroom environment is bad for boys. Boys are ACTIVE! They're RAMBUNCTIOUS! They like to MOVE and RUN and DESKS AND SITTING ARE DESTROYING THEM IN SCHOOL! I'm sorry for the all caps, but that's how these alarmist pieces about the "crisis" men are facing read to me. But I'd like to know when schools were giant playgrounds where kids just ran around playing all the time and never had to sit in desks? When was this golden age of the boy-oriented school house, where teachers didn't demand silence, stillness, and attention? I'd think that the average classroom today is a freer environment in many places than it ever was in, oh, 1950, when boys supposedly (and certainly did) have it so good. When I see pictures of the ideal classroom of that time, I see...rows of desks. Where children sit. Still. And face a chalkboard and get in trouble for making noise or getting up from their desks without permission. And while some point to the diminishing role of recess in school, as of 2011 only 7% of American schools had cut our recess -- but that doesn't mean they'd cut out physical education. And that also doesn't take into account higher grades in which students still have access to sports programs.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure this constitutes some major shift in the level of physical activity children are getting when compared with decades past. And 7% is definitely not a "crisis." School of today looks an awful lot like...the schools of always?<br />
<br />
That argument was merely hinted at in the David Brooks piece. The main thing that caught my attention was:<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="font: 15.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 15.0px 0.0px;">
<i>In 1954, 96 percent of American men between 25 and 54 years old worked. Today, 80 percent do. One-fifth of men in their prime working ages are out of the labor force.</i></div>
<div style="font: 15.0px Georgia; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 15.0px 0.0px;">
<i>As <span style="color: #00325a;">Nicholas Eberstadt of the American Enterprise Institute has put it</span>, “The situation here is basically a disaster, a crisis far worse than most commentators and policy makers seem to recognize, and with no clear prospects for appreciable improvement over the near-term horizon.”</i></div>
<br />
A CRISIS?! A while back, I was discussing my PIE theory. Resources are not infinite. So imagine there's a pie. And imagine that white men for a very long time had, oh, 95% of the pie. That leaves 5% of the pie for everyone else to split. So when those who are sharing 5% start to get more of the pie, those getting 95% start to get...less. It's simple math. A white man who listened to the podcast on which I shared my theory said he was intrigued by my ideas. He'd always been taught in school that if you worked hard enough, you could have anything you wanted! It's an interesting concept that resources are finite? I'm embarrassed for American education that someone was so able to believe some elementary school clap trap for so long in the face of sheer physical reality, but it's also because he's a white man that he was able to believe this without question well into adulthood.<br />
<br />
In 1954, only 23% of the overall workforce was made up of women. Today it is nearly half. Assuming there are only so many jobs to go around, this would obviously precipitate a dip in the number of jobs held by men -- and I don't see anything remotely crisis-like about that. So the employment rates between men and women have simply become more even. And I would assume that some of that 80% of men not participating in employment today are supported by those working women. We don't see it as a crisis when men support women -- why would we see it as so in the reverse?<br />
<br />
But if you want to talk about a crisis, let's look at this: the latest employment numbers (June, 2013) show an unemployment rate of 6.6 percent for whites, and 13.7 for blacks. Blacks are unemployed at more than double the rate of whites. THAT'S a crisis. Also, it calls the numbers David Brooks brings to the conversation into question. The unemployment rate for adult men in June 2013? Seven percent.<br />
<br />
OMG THAT IS A CRISIS!<br />
<br />
I am very over these men in crisis pieces. They're derailing for dummies 101 level bullshit. Men are not in crisis (at least not the kinds of men these pieces are talking about). Heck, they haven't even given up enough of the pie yet.<br />
<br />
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nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-45081505609360579332013-07-03T13:19:00.002-07:002013-07-03T13:19:41.761-07:00Feelings, Facts, and Faith<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Last night, as I listened to the testimony of Texans who
showed up to speak both for and against HB2, the abortion legislation of which
by now I’m sure you’ve heard, I noticed a pattern. Those who argued against the
restrictions brought up scientific and medical facts and information. Meanwhile,
those in favor of the legislation mostly shared very personal stories and overwhelming
emotions about their own choices. </div>
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The fact that they were talking about their own <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">choices </i>seemed to be lost on them. </div>
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One theme that continuously surfaced was that of the
woman who regrets her abortion. When a woman shares that she regrets her
abortion, I feel genuine compassion for her. Who among us doesn’t know the
sting of regret? I know what it is to regret a decision, and that pain can be
intense. I don’t want to mock her testimony or her feelings. However, her
regrets over her own life choices have nothing to do with whether or not a
piece of legislation should pass. If the government exists to protect me from
regret, then we need laws against my saying certain kinds of things because it’s
my mouth that most often leaves me feeling regret. I’m sure we can all see the
problem with the logic behind such laws, and that same logic applies to the
regret standard that some try to apply to abortion legislation. Your regrets
are not the governments business. </div>
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This argument in particular stuck out to me because I
used to kind of believe it. I’ve never been opposed to abortion because of
strong religious conviction. While I’m a Christian, I don’t feel that my
spiritual beliefs have much to do with this type of legislation. No. I used to
say that “abortion isn’t even necessarily good for women” because “most women
don’t feel good about having abortions.” We all have things we said in our
youth that cause us to shake our own heads in shame years later, and I can’t
believe I ever thought that women needed to be protected from their own choices
by their government. Put that way, it makes me shudder. </div>
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Luckily, I’ve learned from my own experiences. </div>
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I’ve learned that a woman can have an abortion and
experience no regrets – and that this doesn’t make her a “bad person.” I’ve
learned that a woman can have an abortion, feel regrets, but still believe she
ultimately made the right choice. I’ve learned that people’s lessons are myriad
and complicated and we’re here to learn, not to experience pain-free lives. In
fact, I’ve learned that “pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth,” and I’ve
learned to be grateful for my own pain because it’s my greatest teacher. And I’ve
learned that I don’t get to rob others of the chance to make their own choices
because it is those choices that lead them to their own ultimate destinies. </div>
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There’s a lot of God in all of that for me.</div>
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If a woman who regrets her abortion wants me to sit and
weep with her, I will gladly do so. I’m not blind or deaf to her pain. But I
also cannot support the idea that her pain is proof that women need to be “protected”
from their own choices. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">In the end, I have enough faith in both women and my God to know believe that they don't need me or anyone else to be in charge. </span></div>
nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-51939524613566492102013-06-29T16:44:00.001-07:002013-06-29T16:46:57.565-07:00Under the Issue<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Earlier on Facebook, I saw a comment posted by a young woman on a picture of Leticia Van de Putte, Wendy Davis, Senfronia Thompson, and Jessica Farrar. The comment said, "I have sex willingly and I don't need abortions. It's called responsibility." I sighed. You see a lot of this kind of commentary in these kinds of conversations, and while part of me just wants to write it off as trolling, I have no doubt that she really believes that to be a logical argument against the need for safe, legal abortions.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I kinda wanted to comment simply, "...yet," but I find it's best not to get into it with people who post glib comments about complex political issues. That's an instance in which someone could justifiably accuse me of asking for it.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When you're talking about politics -- when you're considering your political stance -- you're talking about the governance of a group of people, not just yourself. I have sex willingly, too. My husband and I are really, really diligent in our condom use. I'm hopeful that I won't ever again need an abortion. But even if I never do, other women might, and that's why I oppose the abortion legislation that's about to be reconsidered in a second special session in Texas. Because it's not all about <i>me</i>.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's very easy to take a position of looking down on people you do not feel are like yourself. A friend was recently telling me about someone she knows who posted some disparaging remarks about LGBT people in the wake of the DOMA and Prop 8 decisions -- a person who lives in a different kind of glass house and should probably not be throwing stones. But she's not gay, and so it simply feels good to look down on "those people." It's always easier to do what feels good than it is to do what's right -- and it's very easy to convince oneself that looking down on others <i>is </i>right. It's so sneaky, and sometimes, even when we're doing what's right, we're only doing in wherein it might directly effect us.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I just read another quote from a white gay man who said, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 17px;">"Now that we have gay marriage there is nothing else to fight for."</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 17px;"> At an event for gay undocumented immigrants. There's a little bit of this stuff inside all of us, not just the Rick Perrys of the world. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have very strong views on the abortion issue and what's happening in Texas. I'm speaking up and out and showing up and calling my Senator. I'm not here to say, "OMG GUYS CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?!" Mostly I'm just thinking about the instinct to base beliefs only on one's own experiences and how dangerous this kind of thing can be. Throughout the course of the special session, I'm likely to run into more comments like the one at the beginning of this post -- comments that don't bring any compassion, factual information, or consideration to an issue that is extremely complex and even emotional.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I just hope I can refrain from driving myself crazy arguing with them.</span><br />
<br />
<br />nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-44093552640244125742013-06-24T18:37:00.002-07:002013-06-24T18:37:37.420-07:00Come and Take It <br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
Tonight, the Texas state Senate is quiet. At 10 a.m. tomorrow, they'll reconvene to hear a smattering of bills on the last day of the special session -- one of which is SB5. There is a ton of information out there from people who know better than I what is going on. I can say this about the last few days: I've learned much more than I ever thought possible about parliamentary procedure. In fact, I'm kind of getting really into it. I'm thinking about running for office so I can raise points of order and shizz. You probably think I'm kidding, but I listened to TWO HOURS of blank noise on the Texas House live stream this morning before the body was called to order. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Like I kind of felt like a person who just purchased a pair of dirty underwear out of a vending machine and was smelling them -- if one were into that thing. </div>
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I've said too much.</div>
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That said, if you've come here for up-to-the-minute info on what's happening now, the current state of affairs is that nothing is happening now. Things will get going tomorrow. And God willing, the Texas state Senate Democrats will be able to hold the line and run out the clock on SB5. This is a conversation that's been going on for a long time, and I really just want to add my voice to the din of others who are rumbling that these aggressive measures attacking women's rights will not stand. On Thursday night, 700+ people showed up, most of whom where there to testify against the anti-choice bills that were at that point making their way through the House. And then 1,000+ pro-choice activists showed up at the Capitol in Austin on Sunday to show opposition as the bill hit the House floor. And they stayed through the night as Texas Representatives kept the debate going for as long as possible. Eventually the bill passed the House. But that was never in question. </div>
<div>
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What was in question was how many people were going to show up to fight the good fight, and the answer we got was, "DROVES!" </div>
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People say, "What difference does it make?" I still have hope that a filibuster will kill this thing, but even if it doesn't, I'm still heartened by what I've seen over the last five days. Rep. Jessica Farrar of Houston pointed out that we can't get this level of involvement during regular session on anything. People who thought the Texas Democratic party was down for the count are feeling inspired, and inspired people actually get out and vote. When you stand up and say something, you empower all the other people who think like you do to stand up, too. </div>
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So if you ever wonder whether or not you should stand up, I hope you err on the side of YES. And no matter what happens tomorrow, I'm so very proud of my pro-choice Texans who've stood up and said something. No matter the outcome tomorrow, we've won the power of knowing that we didn't just let them have our rights </div>
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They had to come and take them. </div>
nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-49763955451322764172013-06-23T14:54:00.001-07:002013-06-23T14:54:27.151-07:00That's What SHE SaidApparently Paula Deen said some racist things. And so we all tweet and status update about it, pointing and laughing and patting ourselves on the back for not being so racist. Am I the only one who feels like this is kind of missing the point? It's not exactly shocking that she said what she said -- and I don't say that because she's a southerner or because she says, "Y'ALL!" or because she likes to cook with a lot of butter or whatever. I say that because it's just not that shocking that people say racist things. A lot of us like to pretend that we live in a post-racial time, but we do not. And most of the people pointing, laughing, and calling Paula Deen a P.O.S. harbor hate in their hearts. This kind of, "Yay us! We're not that racist!" rubbernecking doesn't actually accomplish anything.<br />
<br />
I'm not saying that we all say really ridiculous things like, "OMG I wish I could have slaves for real at my next big event!" That kind of overt racism is -- well, obvious racism is obvious, as the internet kids might say. But what about that racism where you get nervous when you see a black man on the street (which is partially about race, partially about gender, and partially about class -- but let's face it, black men make you more nervous than white men). What about the little jokes you tell in the office that are a little bit racist but you don't think it's a problem because "we're all friends!" and "people shouldn't be so sensitive and P.C.!?" What about the systemic racism you're not even seeing? Look around your office and take note of the racial diversity. Go for a walk in your neighborhood and do a little math on the percentages of people who look like you vs. people who don't.<br />
<br />
The real important conversation we need to be having isn't, "How could someone say those things in 2013?" We need to each individually consider what we think, how we act, what we say. We need to look around and assess the real situation on the ground where we work and where we live. I live in Dallas, Texas, a place where liberal-minded white people live in neighborhoods surrounded by other white people -- myself included. We go out to clubs and bars where the people around us are mostly white. And we never think about this and we never talk about it and it's not national news. It's the daily reality. We're not horrible, awful people saying horrible, awful racist things. But what can we do to continue to encourage change? Spending a lot of time calling out Paula Deen and getting her show cancelled isn't the answer to that question.<br />
<br />
Look, it's great when we DON'T talk like Paula Deen. Good for us. But these are no laurels to rest upon.nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-13803774149904047282013-03-17T19:51:00.001-07:002013-03-17T19:51:34.625-07:00What was the question again? We got a new TV this weekend! I'm not actually that excited about it. I still can't believe I spent THAT MUCH on a TELEVISION SET -- and we got one on sale for a really great price. But along with the new TV we picked up an antenna so we can at least watch PBS on occasion. I think cable is a total rip off, since I can buy episodes of my favorite shows through Amazon. BUT I'll totally spend $20 on a set of rabbit ears to watch a little public television...and maybe sneak some crappy network TV reality when the husband isn't around to judge me.<br />
<br />
While watching KERA World, the secondary PBS channel, I saw a documentary made by a woman who was struggling with the hold that relationships had on her life. She was in her 40s, and she went to India, exploring with women there different views on sexuality and love. After the documentary was over, she and an interviewer began having a conversation about work and kids and blah blah blah. At this point, I'm sorry, I am tired of the way that most of these conversations go. Why? Because inevitably the question of, "Can women have it all?!" comes up, and I have to go stab my mattress 100 times.<br />
<br />
CAN WOMEN HAVE IT ALL, Y'ALL?! I actually think this is an amazing stupid question, and if anyone takes it seriously, shame on them. Does anyone see this question as anything other than fodder for Yahoo content creators on a deadline who need something with click value? It's a media-generated conversation. For one thing, there's the obvious issue of the fact that no one ever asks men if they can "have it all." They can have kids and hand them off to someone else and go to work, the end. Also, in this day and age, I can't believe we're having this conversation because it's still framed as if anyone has a choice. I assure you, most women are working and having kids at the same time because LOL WUT? You can afford your kids any other way? And then, beneath these issues is this: WHO THE FUCK HAS ALL OF WHAT? I know no one, man or woman, who "has it all." I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS.<br />
<br />
Seriously, it's insulting to all of our intelligence that we're having this conversation when we could be having real conversations about reshaping the world and making it work better for us ALL. We need to stop getting distracted with questions served to us repeatedly by lazy, hungover "content creators" at MSN, Yahoo, and HuffPo, and start asking actual, meaningful questions.<br />
<br />
You first.nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-63194250957066076912013-01-14T10:28:00.001-08:002013-01-14T10:28:12.468-08:00Writer's BlockI used to write all the time. Throughout college, I carried a notebook with me at all times, and I journaled incessantly. I wrote poems; obviously I wrote essays for classes and research papers. And when blogging became a thing people do (beyond the early days of LiveJournal, which always seemed to me to be artless barfing of personal information onto the internet...which is not really different from modern blogging at all), I jumped in. I had a lot of things to say, and for a time I was an insanely prolific blogger, albeit not very well known.<br />
<br />
These days, I write very little. I write copy for work, but this isn't writing. It's more like word math, adding words together in strings that add up to something that pleases both client and search engine alike. But it is not <i>writing </i>writing.<br />
<br />
I wonder why. I was sitting here at my desk moments ago, wondering why. I've been feeling the creeping sensation for years now that it is the internet itself that is squashing my desire to say anything. After spending several hours a day engaged in the constant online conversations over gender, sexuality, race, politics, class, et. al., I've come across virtually every viewpoint and found myself mentally exhausted. I swim through everyone's thoughts on Facebook and come up feeling drained. I want to stay informed, but I don't feel informed; I feel beaten up. And after reading what every single other person on the planet has to say about this, that, and the other, I feel like there's nothing left to say at all. There very well may be, but my mind is too full of them for there to be any room for me.<br />
<br />
I need an effing break. I miss the energy of having an idea and feeling it flow from my fingers and onto the screen. I do not miss the me who was always so hopelessly a little behind the times, which was the impetus for the name of this blog to begin with.<br />
<br />
A few years ago, I went through the Artist's Way. Part of the process involves going on a media diet. You cut out all media for a certain period of time. Because I work on the net, I had to make special perimeters for myself, restricting myself to work-related media and nothing more. And it was fantastic. Maybe I should do that again.<br />
<br />
Maybe, maybe, maybe...<br />
<br />
I wonder if the lack of writing has simply been a change. It's not as if I've forsaken all creative endeavor. I'm in a band. I help write songs, and I still paint fairly regularly. Maybe it's less that I'm failing at writing and more that writing is now failing me in this time of my life. We'll see. <br />
<br />
The other day I came across a thing on the web wherein a man said he met lots of writers, but none of them ever wrote anything. Whatever I want to be, I don't want to be that guy. nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-31990201310052035952012-09-17T05:53:00.001-07:002012-09-17T05:53:30.779-07:00Stalin probably had a huge penis. <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Apparently Heineken is changing their bottle design.
Instead of being short and squatty, the neck will be longer. This is, according
to their marketing folk, supposed to convey “masculinity” and “pride.” Did no
one ever tell Heineken it ain’t the size of the bottle but the motion of the
ocean…or something? </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
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When I heard this, I just rolled my eyes. This has been
going on for a while now, this perplexed response I have to the use of the word
“masculinity.” It is almost always used in terms of defense or encouragement,
as in, “That thing ladies do threatens our masculinity,” or, “We’re doing this
so those dudes can feel more masculine.” I don’t believe I’ve ever heard
femininity discussed in these terms. No one can threaten my femininity. There’s
a word – emasculate. It’s used to describe the seemingly forcible reduction of
one’s masculinity by outside forces. I once had a short dude tell me it “emasculated”
him when I wore really high heels while we were together. He said he liked
that, but it’s no matter. My point here is that there is no feminine
equivalent. No outside force is going to forcibly reduce my femininity by
simply doing their thing in my presence. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I think this is so funny. Is who you are “as a man” so
flimsy that it’s dependent on your relation to everything around you? Actually,
that makes total sense when you consider that masculinity is equated with power,
and power always kind of turns people into paranoid, overly sensitive messes.
Look at Stalin. Dude killed EVERYONE EVER because he was afraid they threatened
his power, whether they actually did or not. This paradox makes me laugh – your
supposed power and powerful “masculinity” actually makes you weaker and nuts.
It’s one of the things I like about being a lady. Oh, there are definitions of
femininity most certainly. But if I choose to shirk them, I have never found
that it completely threatens my entire existence. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Masculinity comes up all the time, and the male anxiety
about masculinity is simply ridiculous. Who cares? And can a Heineken bottle
really improve your feelings of masculinity? How so? Do you equate your dick
with all that you survey? And what does dick size have to do with masculinity
in the first place? Females express their gender in a wider range of ways, and
this is something that I believe gives us strength. It leads to far less
insecurity. We don’t need anyone constantly shoring up our sense of femininity,
and we don’t have to waste time fighting to get our sense of femininity back if
someone seems to threaten it. When my husband does the dishes, I don’t FREAK
OUT about whether or not I’m still feminine enough. I feel happy because, shit,
I don’t have to do the dishes! </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Perhaps that's not anyone else's experience of being a woman. I was never good at it, so I took myself out of the gender norms Olympics very early on. I've always been a big wearer of dresses, but I've never equated that with personal attempts at being a woman. They're just so much more comfortable, and a dress makes getting dressed so much easier. I'm lazy, not feminine. I've never felt as though I suffered any great loss by shirking my femininity, either. But my main point here isn't what people suffer for lack of conforming to gender norms. It's the fact that I chose that. Any lack of femininity on my part is purely self-inflicted. Meanwhile, men are consistently talking about their masculinity in terms of it's being threatened. A man cannot simply put on gender appropriate clothing and call it a day. His masculinity is largely dependent on his ability to gain and keep some semblance of power over something. From what I've seen, this has turned most men trying to hang on to masculinity in this current era into a bunch of whiners. "But maaaaaaaawm! Why won't that person/place/thing let me feel more maaaaaaanly?" </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
From a cultural and historical perspective, it all makes
sense. It’s the power thing. It’s the idea that the most masculine gets the
most power, and men are in this power struggle. The struggle to maintain power.
The struggle to get more. But think about that. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Do you really want to be Joseph Stalin? </div>
nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-27708964115069460322012-09-04T07:11:00.000-07:002012-09-04T07:11:33.119-07:00The Complicated Issue of Armpit Hair<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I haven’t shaved my armpits in about three months. They’re
not just shadowed with stubble. They’re not even just fuzzy. They’re…hairy.
This wasn’t a conscious choice. It started out as sheer laziness. I take baths
instead of showers most of the time, and the razor is always on the shower
caddy hanging from the showerhead. Once I’m lying down in the bath and realize
my razor is so far away, I just think, “Oh well. Maybe I’ll shave tomorrow.” I
didn’t ever decide to grow out my armpit hair, but it’s interesting to me that
it gets such as reaction. Apparently I’m supposed to shave every inch of my
regularly visible body, or people will just tell me all about the fact that I’ve
got body hair going on. I’ve been informed that family members are going to “stage
an intervention,” and I was asked to explain why I had armpit hair. I guess I
didn’t realize I owed people explanations for my choices as to what I do with
my body as I go through my daily life. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I don’t ask other people to explain their body hair. </div>
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<br /></div>
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A lot of people have said that they shave not because
they are responding to societal pressure but because they find body hair “gross.”
Americans as a general rule will use this word to describe all things related
to the body; people declare feet to be gross, their own genitalia to be gross, body
hair to be gross, and everybody loves to say that penises are gross. I don’t
understand any of these things to be gross unless they’re diseased and oozing
pus. To believe that these things are inherently gross in and of themselves is
to believe that even clean, fresh from the bath feet are “gross.” It’s to
believe that my non-sticky, non-stinky armpit hair is “gross.” Some genitalia
may be moist, but that doesn’t make it gross. I find it odd that so many
people, and women in particular, describe a perfectly normal bodily function
(the growing of hair) to be gross, but what really gets me down is that
everyone feels the need to tell me this when they see my armpit hair. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
As Madonna once famously put it, “I’m not your bitch. Don’t
hang your shit on me.” I’m absolutely certain that I’ve quoted that before, but
it’s one of my favorites.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I have been asked if this was “a feminist thing,” or
perhaps the result of depression. It’s armpit hair! I just didn’t see it as
that important. It’s just what’s happening right now, today, for me. Watching
people have such strong reactions to such a silly thing is both funny and
depressing. What I am doing harms exactly no one, but the group is passionately
opposed to me stepping outside of the norm. My armpit hair makes me “the other,”
that scary beast who needs taming. I suppose if I am willing to flout this
convention, I might be willing to blow things up, steal, kill people, or be
willing to step outside the other norms we so desperately need for civilized
society. Except that is a crazy line of thinking. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Historically speaking, we’ve most likely used this
instinct to spot “the other” to protect ourselves from the enemy. But we should
be becoming more discerning at this point. Instead, we still crudely separate
by “us” and “them” along even the most meaningless of lines. Of course, no one
has abandoned me over it just yet, but they’re simply at stage one: shaming me
into compliance. If I don’t respond to that, I wonder how long until I’m
banished to the forest. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
My armpit hair doesn’t feel so much like a feminist issue
except insofar as it others me but does not other men. In reality, it didn’t
really feel like an issue at all until other people started talking to me about
it like it was a symbolic problem and a great offense. But if it is an issue,
it feels like part of a larger issue for me – the issue of “the other” and how
even the most banal of infringements on societal norms can immediately send you
to “the other” side. </div>
nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-69860324158043552312012-08-24T12:30:00.001-07:002012-08-24T12:30:25.060-07:00Public Displays of AffectionThere have been three newsworthy shootings in the last few weeks. One was the Aurora shooting at a movie theater in the Colorado community. One was the shooting at a Sikh temple in Wisconsin. And one, today, was in New York City, where a shooter shot four people in front of the Empire State Building. People make very public proclamations of sadness, but these proclamations seem a bit disingenuous to me. I wonder if the public sadness -- the near wailing and gnashing of teeth that can seem to take place by people who don't know a thing about the victims -- is more a sadness over having our general bubble of security burst in such an intrusive way.<br />
<br />
You see, terrible things happen every day. Almost every day I will have at least one moment when a feeling will grip me and send my body into terror. I will be driving along on the highway, for instance, happily finished with the work day, and I'll think, "Something bad is happening to someone right now, and there's nothing I can do about it." I'll feel panicked, helpless, and overwhelming sadness all at once. I feel an intense feeling I cannot name; it's most likely just the unnameable meaninglessness that comes up for me in the face of life's seeming cruelty. I'm seeing a therapist for this tendency of mine. It's not so much that I'm a negative person. It's more that I feel that the only meaning I can find in life is the desire to make things better, and making things better depends first on recognizing that things need to be made better in the first place. I'm told that most people don't think this way. They allow themselves to be distracted by the comforts of their lives. At least, until a shooting happens in a very public way at the right time in the news cycle, garnering lots of coverage and sparking a public discussion of how unsafe we all are.<br />
<br />
As if we were ever safe.<br />
<br />
My therapeutic treatment actually involves distraction. I'm supposed to do something else when these thoughts come up. I understand there really isn't anything I can do about an unknown victim somewhere in the world. But distraction feels like part of the problem. If there is any evil in materialism, it is that it tricks us into believing that life is inherently comfortable. A recent study showed that people who make less money give more to charity than those with more. They know that life is bad. They don't forget. People are dying every day, but many of us only choose to mourn when it cannot be ignored.<br />
<br />
But I wonder if we're really just mourning for ourselves. <br />
nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-19980267284285072352012-08-21T06:05:00.000-07:002012-08-21T06:05:01.847-07:00Hurtling Toward the Grace of GodI'm currently reading <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Marilyn-Passion-Paradox-Lois-Banner/dp/1608195317" target="_blank"><i>Marilyn: The Passion and the Paradox</i></a> by Lois Banner. It's a biography of Marilyn Monroe. I'd never considered reading a biography of Marilyn Monroe; you always think you know her story. She married Joe DiMaggio. She married Arthur Miller. She was America's sexpot. She was emotionally unstable, and her death is the most talked about part of her story, shrouded in mystery and conspiracy theory. Everyone knows her, but I suspect most people have never watched even a single Marilyn movie. I have; I was a classic movie junkie as a child, and <i>Gentlemen Prefer Blondes</i> is a personal favorite.<br />
<br />
However, this story is riveting, and as with most anyone you could ever sit down with and discuss their life, so much greater than the sum of its parts. And the book was written by a woman who teaches history and women's studies. It's interesting to get a feminist perspective on Marilyn's life story.<br />
<br />
The other night I was lying in the bathtub, reading. I'm getting to the part of the story where things have really ramped up. It feels like I'm not hurtling toward her death instead of steadily climbing. As a biography, the book relates the facts in chronological order. I'm trudging through Marilyn's life, one event at a time. And following a life story in this way can make it feel as if you're accelerating life. I mean, you are. Instead of seeing her life in real time, I'm seeing it in a matter of weeks. In that bathtub, speeding toward her death, i began to squirm. It suddenly felt as if all of life was running toward the finish line, mine included. Most people argue this all the time -- life is short, the exclaim. But the moments when I feel that deep in my bones, actually physically feel it happening, are a completely different matter than the intellectual construction of what that means.<br />
<br />
Exploring another person's life in this way throws the idea of choices in stark relief. At the end of a chapter, Ms. Banner comments that by deciding to take a certain film role, Marilyn unwittingly set in motion a series of events that would end her marriage to Arthur Miller. That was never her intent, of course, and it feels like an excellent counterpoint to those who talk about "good" choices and "poor" choices as if we all know which is which all of the time. It's easy to believe, for instance, that doing drugs is a "poor" choice, but I could find you 10 people in 10 minutes who feel that doing drugs turned into one of the best choices of their lives. And looking back, Marilyn could've exclaimed, "Why did I take that part?!" But the truth at the heart of this matter is that we really have no way of knowing the outcomes of our choices for certain.<br />
<br />
I come back to this idea whenever I begin to feel myself wanting to punish someone for their supposedly poor choices. My response to those who say, "They did it to themselves," is, "There but for the grace of God go you, too." Some people pay far too much for the same choices that others make unnoticed.<br />
<br />
<br />nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-57829733801718063612012-08-16T18:50:00.000-07:002012-08-16T18:50:14.889-07:00Reflections on Poison and Perfectionism I live in Dallas, Texas, where cases of West Nile have been unusually high and (last I could tell) ten people have died. That's ten people in the city of Dallas. Sometimes they tell you how many people in Dallas COUNTY have died; I think they do this to up the drama. So about two hours from now they will spray poisonous insecticide from the sky, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I mean, I tried to do something about it. I wrote my councilman -- TWICE -- and when I found out he doesn't read his emails, I emailed his assistant. I emailed the mayor. I emailed the district judge. I also posted a comment on his Facebook page. Everywhere I looked people appeared upset about the spraying. And every story I saw made it obvious that they were being ignored. Threads of comments on articles 10 or 15 posts deep with variations on, "PLEASE DON'T SPRAY US WITH YOUR POISON!" and nary a dissenting opinion in the bunch. But it all started to feel like a bunch of tiny people screaming and shaking their fists as a giant put the lid on their box. The case, it would appear, was not up for debate. The scariest part is that there's pretty much nothing we can do about it. I considered driving the hour to my parents' house in Sherman for the night, but I have to go to work in the morning. It still feels like a tough call. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It's petrifying, really.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm sitting on my couch at 8:30, one hour and 30 minutes from the commencement of the spraying. I look down, and I see a mosquito quietly sucking on my wrist. I chase it away to find that it has left two bites on my wrist, and I think, "Awesome. I might get West Nile AN HOUR AND A HALF before the spraying that supposed to kill the mosquitos and protect me from the West Nile while damaging my endocrine system!" It's moments like these when one really gets in touch with the feeling of powerlessness. At this point, all I can do is sit back and wait, watching to see which side is going to get me first. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm already wondering if my slight sense of fatigue is the early onslaught of West Nile. It couldn't possibly be my poor sleep habits...</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So here I am, sitting on my couch, pondering the complete futility of life because of two mosquito bites and a little insecticide. Earlier, Sean asked me if I ever feel like life is an endurance test. He asked if I ever felt like I was failing that test miserably. I said I don't usually feel like I'm failing it miserably, but that's because I did A LOT of work on my perfectionism in therapy years ago. I realized it's a complete waste of time to worry about perfecting things that will seem as if to have never existed (namely myself) within 10 years of my death. I do, however, often feel like I'm not sure why I do half the shit I do. I'm not trying to be perfect, but I do schedule myself to death trying to cram as much FUN and MEANINGFULNESS into my life as possible. Then I'm faced with a moment wherein I could possibly be about to simultaneously suffer from a serious disease and the side effects of a dangerous chemical and I think, "I NEVER SHOULD'VE QUIT SMOKING!"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Apparently when faced with my own mortality, I have exactly the opposite reaction from the one you're supposed to have. I'm supposed to be sitting here wondering if I smelled enough roses or some shit. Instead, I'm lamenting all the cigarettes I did not smoke. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Although I suppose that one man's rose is another man's Camel Light.<br /><div>
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
</div>
nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-80212410210684308032012-08-15T11:03:00.000-07:002012-08-15T11:03:04.987-07:00Oh well.
<br />
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I woke up late this morning. There were amazing storms here
last night. Around 9:45 pm, I suddenly saw a
flash of lightning that looked like veins in the back of a hand, branching out.
In the middle of the night a dramatic clap of thunder woke me. I marveled
at how it rhythmically echoed away from my house, punctuated by another far-off clap
of loud thunder as the echoes came to an end. It made me smile like a pleased and sleepy cat. And all of this drama knocked out
my power, messing up my alarm clock. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh well.</div>
nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-42170777025856323042012-08-14T06:21:00.000-07:002012-08-14T06:25:40.593-07:00Breath Holding<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I am going to write one thing a day every day for this
week. I thought of it this morning, making coffee, my own voice from the night
before settling in my head. “I hate everything,” I said. Not just like that –
there was more to it. But it’s the same complaint I’ve had from time to time
throughout my entire life. I get itchy, bored, and begin to feel like I want to
crawl out of my skin. It happens when every day is too much the same as the
other days. Every week follows the same trajectory. My brain begins to feel
like a jumbled mess of expectations and time schedules, and I start thinking, “Burn
it to the ground!” over and over. I’ve learned not to burn things so easily,
but I still haven’t learned how to be okay with that. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I weight pros and cons, exerting all of my energy
reminding myself why I don’t want to fuck it up. “It will be different
tomorrow,” I tell myself, because that’s what I’ve been taught to tell myself
at times like these. Sometimes it’s not actually any different until next month,
but it keeps me from disappearing for another day.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Most people say they hate change, and it drives me nuts.
I love change. I love it too much. I used to only sign six month leases and
move every time those leases ran out, even if it was just a few blocks away. I
used to practically live in my car and feel confused when I saw cars in driveways
at night.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I’m already getting distracted by Facebook. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Last night, I lied in bed with my husband and told him
that I hate having to be places at certain times. Why can’t I just do things
when I have the energy for them? Why can’t I just do them when I want to?
Hearing myself repeat it, I know it sounds childish – or is it childlike? – but
I have to wonder why that’s so bad? People talk a lot about the value of
maturity, but certain supposed mature traits feel a lot like preparation for
death to me. I know I have to die at some point, but I don’t think it’s an act
that requires practice.<br />
<br />
He says there's value in working hard for something, committing oneself to a goal and achieving it. He asks me if I don't agree; everyone agrees. I'm not sure. I think I want to agree, but I'm not sure. I'm always looking for a third way. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I’m forcing myself to write all of this down because I used
to be very prolific. I used to write all the time. And then I began to feel
like I was repeating myself. All writers do. You have certain ways of seeing,
and those ways of seeing will come out in your writing. But I started to fear
that I was being too self-indulgent, assuming everyone gave a shit. So I just
stopped. My stopping was punctuated with false starts; I’d start writing, and a
few paragraphs in I’d collapse in a slump, completely over it. You do that a
few times, and then you figure out a solution. You stop starting. Problem
solved. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
But it seems like every problem solved is also a problem
created. When I go too long without writing – even if I’m painting and making
music and taking classes in artistic bookmaking – I begin to want to die. You
can’t keep overly dramatic thoughts in your head too long. They turn murderous.
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
So lucky you! I’m hopeful you’ll be treated to better
than this in the coming days, but what is it they always say? Don’t hold your
breath? </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It’s just generally better to breathe. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-56221124908535179112012-08-09T09:06:00.003-07:002012-08-09T09:06:51.513-07:007 Days of Boring Sexual Gender Norms<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Apparently there is a show on Lifetime called <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">7 Days of Sex. </i>The idea is that
struggling couples have sex every day for a week, and it’s supposed to save
their marriage. Sex is great, and if you’re not getting it very regularly in
your marriage, the marriage will most likely suck for one or both partners –
but not always! Some people are asexual (notice I didn’t just say “some WOMEN
are asexual”), and some have low sex drives. But even with the majority of
people desiring some level of sex in their marriage, somehow I believe that the
assignment to have sex every day for seven days is a bit…made for TV. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I just watched a clip of one of the couples. He complains
because since she became a mom, she’s not sexual enough. She also apparently
doesn’t cook the amazing, intricate meals of her pre-baby days – now it’s all
oatmeal and stuff instead of, I dunno, steak? He never specifies, but she’s
failing on all fronts. She just rolls her eyes and says she wishes he’d be “less
of a king and more of a nice king.” He says that all women have a special gift,
and that gift is vagina. She looks exasperated at his lack of understanding.
And he actually at one point complains that the child has taken away 65% of his
wife’s affection, which seems…normal? Nee, even perhaps <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">right? </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m so. Tired. Of. This. Narrative.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If the man with whom I’d had a child said even just one of
the things that man said, I’d be gone – and I’d leave the baby at his house to
be his fucking problem. I’m tired of the Entitled Man character running around
our culture and saying, “I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE TIRED! I JUST SPENT FIVE HOURS
WATCHING TV AND I WANT ME SOME SEX AND SOME HOME COOKIN’ NOW!” I can’t believe
this is how it is in all households. Lifetime has another show debuting next
week called <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Week the Women Went. </i>The
preview is all crying babies and women saying they ain’t gonna miss a damn
thing about their husbands because HUSBANDS! Oh, goody. A whole show wherein
men burn the toast and cry out to God for mercy and PLEASE BRING BACK THAT
WOMAN WHO DOES EVERYTHING FOR ME!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The other day, a friend and I were discussing the age-old
problem of men babied by their mothers. I don’t know a single woman whose
mother continued to pay their bills for them (as in took the daughters money
and transported it to the electric company in the daughter’s stead because
MOTHERHOOD) once they, well, were old enough to have their own bills, but I’ve
known SEVERAL men whose mothers did this for them. To me, the helplessness of
men is very obviously rooted in this cultural idea of the helplessness of men. My
husband lived alone and didn’t have a woman to do anything for him for, like,
thirteen years before he met me, and he STILL doesn’t have a woman doing
anything for him. He does his own laundry and nags me about bringing in the
trashcans, gender norms be damned. But I guess what gets me every time about
these situations is that people act like this stuff is natural, when it’s so
clearly an outgrowth of culture. A man can learn to cook and take care of a
baby and be organized and do laundry same as a woman. These shows simply reinforce
gender ideals that I hear parroted by teenagers and then my brain asplodes, and
the cycle is set up once again for another generation of women to baby their
sons into complete uselessness.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If a man couldn’t take care of himself and the kids for a
week, I wouldn’t be married to him. Period.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I don’t mean to blame the women for all of society’s
ills. It’s culture. Culture tells a woman that if she doesn’t take care of her
precious sons and heirs to the family throne, she’ll be a bad mother.
Meanwhile, she’s told that she’s supposed to teach her daughter all the womanly
arts, setting up a situation where all the women go, “Jesus, here, you’re doing
it wrong! I’ll just mop it myself!” when they get married years later. People
have to be taught how to do most things; that’s why humans require parenting
until the age of 18. So if you’re not teaching one segment of the population
and teaching another segment, both segments are going to grow up to fulfill
every idea you have about them. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And when you show and tell men that they’ll grow up to have
a smiling, available wife who cooks “just like mom!” and never takes her
tiredness out on you because you’re the king and you deserve it, well, men say
things like, “STOP MAKING ME OATMEAL AND PUT OUT ALREADY!” instead of, you
know, helping out or being grateful their wife made them anything at all.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want to see a show where the women leave for a week and the
men are shown with a baby on one arm and a frying pan on the other, skillfully
making dinner and not ruining everything. I want to see a show where a guy
goes, “You know, wife, I’d like to have sex with you every night this week, so
I’m going to do an equal share of the work around the house! Maybe you will
then be less tired and more in the mood!” I’d also love a reality show about an
asexual’s experience in relationships or a female who likes sex. OMG STRAIGHT
MEN WITH LOW LIBIDOS! I mean, for reality TV to mean anything, it needs to show
a variety of experiences, not just be social norms Kabuki. People complain all
the time about how reality TV is so dumb, but it has the potential to be so
smart. It could teach us about people who are not like us, foster compassion, and
help us understand the world in different ways. Shows like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">7 Days of Sex </i>are just lazy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe that’s because they’re dreamed up by men. </div>nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-78558773860652610902012-07-31T05:53:00.001-07:002012-07-31T05:53:24.075-07:00Commitmentphobia<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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Is life committed to you? </div>
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No! </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It could leave you at any moment, </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Suddenly deciding that someone else</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Is far more attractive and deserving </div>
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Of its time.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
And yet you come to life each day</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
And as if you’ve been promised forever,</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Making yourself sick and saying, <br />
“I’ll enjoy myself tomorrow.”</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-74763823572953271962012-07-17T12:54:00.002-07:002012-07-17T12:54:50.672-07:00A Day in the Life<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
When I spend the requisite 8 hours a day at my desk, writing
copy about dental practices (mostly ones in Texas or New Jersey), how can I
possibly avoid becoming petrified of cancer? It’s not like my mind is occupied.
I allow my fingers to type out everything they know about porcelain dental
crowns while I turn my head from side to side and wonder, “What’s that odd
feeling when I turn to the right?” Or I stare at information on dental implants
(information that I’ve stared at before) while listlessly palpating my neck for
strange lumps – and then vigorously poking at stranger offenders when they’re
apprehended. I list off all the other things every ache and pain could be –
allergies, vision problems, carpel tunnel syndrome, TMJ dysfunction, the common
cold – all of which make far more sense than cancer. But I mostly just worry
that if I settle for one of those diagnoses, I’ll be fooling myself and wasting
precious treatment time. “It’s too late, Ms. Kirkpatrick,” I imagine the doctor
saying, looking somewhat guilty because she turned me away so many times with
prescriptions for Zoloft or nasal spray. The only time I don’t think it’s
cancer is when it’s the chest pains; that’s clearly due to a heart infection I
once heard about on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This American Life</i>.
The woman boarded a plane 10 days after seemingly recovering from the flu only
to fall asleep and die because the flu infection had taken over her heart <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">without her knowledge, </i>her death only
discovered when a flight attendant tried to wake her upon landing. It doesn’t
matter that the internet says it’s stress and I’ve been diagnosed with
gastroesophogeal reflux. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At some point you learn to stop trusting Google. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Every </i>physical symptom can’t be due to
anxiety. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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I’m not even supposed to be talking about this. Whenever I
discover some ache or pain, I’m supposed to ignore it and go play with the dogs
or something. That’s what my therapist said. Think about happier things that
are not cancer or the inevitability that my husband will die before me, leaving
me to make my own sandwiches and deal with that weird empty space people leave
behind when they go. I almost started crying into my frozen yogurt last Saturday
night just thinking about it. I didn’t say anything. It tends to ruin date
night when you tell your spouse that you don’t ever want them to die and then
burst into tears. You’d think it would seem romantic, but it doesn’t.</div>
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I remember once that I read somewhere or heard on the radio someone
said that we shouldn’t all live as if we might die at any moment. Thinking
about our inevitable death all the time doesn’t really inspire acts of
greatness – it just leaves us rocking back and forth in the fetal position,
afraid to leave our house. </div>
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I’m one of the few people in the world who probably
responded by thinking, “Finally! Someone really GETS me!” </div>nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-73637210143737193612012-06-22T08:32:00.002-07:002012-06-22T08:34:52.918-07:00You're Annoying EverybodyWhile looking through my Facebook feed, I noticed the confluence of bitching posts. Not "bitchin' posts," but posts wherein the poster is bitching about something. Bad driving, ugly people, stupid people (always a crowd fave), sensitive people (which is funny?), and on and on and on. Not in-depth bitching. Most people have the good common sense not to publicly bitch about their true personal problems in such a superficial forum. I probably only think it's superficial because I'm over the age of 27 and still reflexively pay for my music. Anyway, the takeaway: people like to bitch! About everyone, and mostly about people they don't really know that well!
So I started thinking: every time we're bitching about the crappy waiter, the crappy waiter is probably bitching about the sucky customer. When I start thinking about it that way, I feel waaaaaay less inclined to just reflexively bitch about other people. I don't want to live in a world where everyone is going around bitching about me! And they are! I just know it! I know it because I apparently know a lot of people who like to bitch about a lot of other people. I wasn't really good at stats, but I can see which way the wind is blowing.<br />
<br />
So you're annoying everybody. I mean, not everybody ALL THE TIME, but even that person who sleeps in your bed with you every night and swears he loves everything about you is annoyed by you no matter WHAT he says. He just has the decency not to bitch about you on Facebook. I'm reminded of that Modest Mouse lyric: "If you knew everything they thought I bet you would wish that they would just shut up." And thanks to Facebook, I'm far more aware of just how much all of my friends like to bitch about every other person in the world. Not that every one of my friends bitches constantly, but if you figure that what you see is just the tip of a possibly gigundous ice burg (I didn't try very hard to come up with a less cliche metaphor -- go ahead and bitch), then you realize HOW ANNOYED THEY ARE BY EVERYTHING. Pretty soon you're walking around the grocery store contemplating how alone you truly are, no matter how many people claim they love you, and you start tearing up a bit right there by the lettuce because you're JUST NOT CYNICAL ENOUGH FOR THAT TO BE COMPLETELY OKAY.<br />
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We've all known at least one person in our lives who no one likes but everyone tolerates. When I worked in a bar, there was a young lady about whom all the regular bar patrons would BITCH A LOT when she was absent, but she'd show up and become like any other member of the group. And she was completely oblivious. And that person could be ME or YOU and we would MAYBE NEVER KNOW! I'm not saying we should all just stop bitching, although research has shown that "venting" isn't actually helping us be less miserable and may be making us MORE miserable. Let's face it; modern human kind has embraced misery as an inescapable trap. Lord knows I have no faith that this back pain is going away any time soon. I'm just saying that your bitching is born of you feeling that your comfort is somehow the entire world's responsibility. If you didn't think so, you'd just shrug and say, "Oh, well! I guess that guy has important places to be, too!" And really, the world doesn't give a shit.<br />
<br />
It's too busy bitching about you.nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-21502392882199454572012-03-26T18:14:00.004-07:002012-03-26T18:59:01.011-07:00Why? Because it Feels Good.I love gossip. I don't really care much for spreading the stuff, but if I catch a whiff of a story, I'm immediately on the trail, asking, "Ooooh, what's up? What did he say? What did she say? OMG WHAT WHAT WHAT?!" I like knowing everything about everybody else's business. I can keep a secret, but I can't stop myself from asking you not to.<br /><br />Earlier Sean was telling me he'd listened to an episode of Real Time with Bill Mahr on which Jon Hamm was a guest. Bill Mahr asked Jon Hamm all these questions about how he and his girlfriend, Jennifer Westfeldt, have been together for, like, forever, and aren't married and have no babies. And my gut reaction is a big fat...so what?<br /><br />It never occurred to me growing up that my adult love life wouldn't look however I wanted it to look when I got there. I remember spending my 12th year OBSESSED with the idea of growing up to get married, have babies, be a STAY AT HOME MOM...but then I got my period for the first time, decided I hated everything, and swore of marriage and babies FOREVER. Now I'm 32, married, and still sworn to no-babyhood for the foreseeable future (i.e. forever barring any unforeseen birth control malfunctions. LET'S GET PERSONAL.). <br /><br />I moved in with my boyfriend when I felt like it. My parents gave me what appeared to be obligatory speeches about how they disapproved, but they seemed to understand that they couldn't do much about it. I just don't remember it being a big deal. I remember it going pretty much exactly as I'd pictured it -- without much fanfare. <br /><br />It wasn't until all this cultural what the fuckery started with the birth control and the apparent OMG WHAT'S IT LIKE LIVING WITH YOUR GF AND NOT MARRYING HER AND PUTTING A BABY IN THAT SHIT? moment we seem to be having that it even occurred to me that we were still living in the shadows of a land where the Supreme Court actually had to decide that unmarried folks could legally possess birth control. I just figured grown ups decided how they were gonna live their lives based on their own ideas of what was right for them. Looking back, was I just incredibly naive? I mean, I understood there was supposedly some cultural pressure lurking out there somewhere saying something about babies, but I'm not actually supposed to take that so seriously that I let it influence my behavior...am I? And is it really all that interesting to everyone if it doesn't? One day, when I am famous, is Bill Mahr going to grill me on OMG NO BABIES NAN REALLY?<br /><br />I found myself pondering earlier why all the hysteria. To be clear, if someone says, "I just don't want to pay for anyone else's shit ever, okay?" I can understand this ideological argument. But that doesn't seem to be what this conversation is about. People aren't just trying to avoid spending money on other people's shit -- they're trying to avoid spending money on birth control for women, and they're using language to defend this that includes phrases like "moral objection." A woman using birth control has no real substantive impact on anyone but herself and her partner. So why all the freaking hysteria? I'm going to need a better reason than "because God said so." I can't think of a single logical one.<br /><br />But I can: because it feels good. <br /><br />Apparently a bunch of people are pissed because there are black people in the Hunger Games movie. Characters they didn't think were black turned out to be black, and they wrote some racist stuff on Twitter in revolt. Why? It's so silly, and I just can't imagine why anyone would just spout off awful...wait. I can. I can think of a reason. Because it feels good. <br /><br />Operating under an us vs. them mentality is attractive, and we all do it. I may feel all morally superior in the face of the type of racism I see on Twitter or folks who have nothing better to do than worry about the sexual habits of people they don't even know. But I can understand the impulse to say hateful things about people I don't like -- and I can justify not liking the people I don't like much more easily than I can justify other people not liking the people they don't like. I read a piece recently calling out Bill Mahr for calling Sarah Palin a "cunt" and a "twat" during his standup routine. The writer called this sexist and on-par with Rush Limbaugh and his "slut" slur. And dang it, I think that author was right! You can't justify calling one woman a "cunt" just because you disagree with her while denouncing calling another a "slut" because you do agree with her. Sexist slurs are either sexist or they're not. And while I would love to denounce what I see as evil while believing myself righteous, my duty is always to do the opposite -- check myself for where I have done evil before anything else. I can change my own behavior. I can do fuck all about society most of the time.<br /><br />My "because it feels good" theory isn't meant to be an excuse. Instead, it is meant to be an understanding -- an understanding of this impulse that lives inside of all of us. Sometimes I decide to try not to ask questions about things that are none of my business, and that's when I realize how hard it is not to do things that feel good, even when I believe they're wrong. Far from an excuse, understanding the failings that all humans house may be the seed of the compassion we all need to actually change that against which we scream to no avail.<br /><br />"Small people talk about other people." So wouldn't it be really great if we didn't?nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-40275047045329943892012-03-19T19:45:00.003-07:002012-03-19T20:40:23.145-07:00Doing the Best They Can with What They Got: Thoughts on the Work of David Simon and Co.Tonight I watched the fourth episode in season one of <span style="font-style:italic;">Treme,</span> a series brought into the world by the same folks who brought us <span style="font-style:italic;">The Wire</span>. After I watched the episode, I called my mother, and then I started wandering around the house, preparing for a bath. It was 9:30. I stayed home sick today, so I was feeling tired, foggy, and a little anxious with the knowledge that I'm one day down for the week at work. <br /><br />As I wandered around, preparing, my mind was turning. I was thinking about how my first impression of Treme was not good. It seemed kind of...boring. I couldn't pick out a single character I cared about. But when I had that reaction, I remembered that I'd had the same initial reaction to The Wire, which turned out to be one of the best series in television history. And these shows have something in common, and it's what I loved about The Wire and am growing to love in Treme: everyone is just doing the best they can with what they got.<br /><br />I first heard that phrase in AA. I don't know if they made it up -- they probably didn't. But that's where I heard it, and it's still one I find extremely helpful. Like most phrases one hears in Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't really get it at first. But the more I hear it, the deeper I understand its meaning to be. For a control freak, it's at first the worst news in the world, but in the end, it turns out to be the most important.<br /><br />The scene that got me thinking about all of this involved Wendell Pierce, who played Bunk on The Wire but plays Antoine Batiste, a no good trombone player, on Treme. He's leaving Baton Rouge to return to New Orleans after visiting his young sons from a previous marriage. Back in New Orleans, he's got a baby mama and can barely make enough money to take care of his child -- in large part because of the formally mentioned no good issue. He just wants to party. While in Baton Rouge with his kids, he drives them around in his ex-wife's now husband's Land Rover and takes them to the Olive Garden with borrowed money. He tells them he wants to help them go to college. He tries to play the good, supportive, sacrificing dad over pasta and soda. But when he boards the bus back to New Orleans, the older woman next to him asks if the trip is for business or pleasure, and he responds, "Pleasure. New Orleans is always pleasure." It's where he lives and works and has a baby, but it's always about pleasure. And the immediate gut reaction would be for most a feeling of contempt, but I got the sense that he was just doing the best he could with what he had. <br /><br />The Wire and Treme are full of this kind of moral ambiguity. Perhaps not everyone would read that ambiguously, but I do. He seems to sincerely want to help his kids when they're at Olive Garden on someone else's dime and pretending feels like the truth. But inevitably, entropy takes hold, and he takes the easiest route -- he goes back to New Orleans with the hint that it's right back to playing the trombone in a strip club for little money, cheating on his woman, and ignoring his other children. But while it would be easy to act as if his problem is one of being a very bad person, don't we all have a thing that pulls us in a different direction than the next right thing? If we look at it globally, isn't this a struggle we all face? I suppose we could say some issues of morality are worse than others, but for me, that's just an excuse to ignore my own seemingly petty problems because, hey, at least I didn't murder anyone! Or have kids then abandon them! But the Bible says a sin is a sin is a sin (paraphrasing, yo -- but all sins are equal in the eyes of the Lord), and the shit I do dirty is no better than the shit someone else does dirty. <br /><br />Besides...there but for the grace of God go I. If I'd ever had children, who's to say I would not abandon them for a good time? Prior to my awareness of my alcoholism, I could see myself taking that path of least resistance. <br /><br />And that's doing the best you can with what you've got. Some people have hurts and wounds and don't know any better. We find that hard to believe. I find it hard to believe when people don't know any better than to miss too much work or to ask me before they drink the last Diet Coke in the fridge, but if I'm honest, that's because those are my issues. I'm a perfectionist afraid of what other people think, so I work sick and take less than my allotted PTO every year. And for me, not asking if you can drink the last Diet Coke in the fridge is tantamount to you forgetting I even exist. On the surface, these things seem like moral absolutes -- it's rude to drink the effing Diet Coke! But really, the person who drank the Diet Coke didn't know I'd feel forgotten, and the person calling in sick to work might actually be sick and not have my issues. We're all just doing the best we can with what we've got, and it's taken a lot of work to get to the understanding of what drives some of my reactions.<br /><br />But that understanding is nothing without going a step further and having compassion for those who push my mother-effing buttons. That's what, "They're just doing the best they can with what they got," is for. It shows me that they deserve some forgiveness...and, if I plug myself into that equation, so do I. All forgiveness is is letting it go.<br /><br />But what does this have to do with the works of those who brought us The Wire and Treme? These shows are full of scenes like the one mentioned above -- people who want to do the next right thing but grew up with drug addicted parents and can't keep fighting that fight; people who look like they're going to end up gang bangers but get adopted by cops instead; cops doing the next wrong thing in a effort to arrest someone who is morally on the up-and-up but on the wrong side of the law; drug dealers going to college (haven't we all been told college is a cure for supposed social ills) so they can be better at their business -- of selling drugs; people who have heart but get no breaks. It's just like life. It just is what it is. And while doing the best with what we have as of right now involves having laws that do not make nuanced distinctions about the very different levels of morality that can apply to the very same act committed by dozens of people, we don't have to believe that legal and moral are even remotely the same thing. Most of us run into issues of legality very rarely, but we run into seemingly imperceptible issues of morality constantly. Problem is, our first instinct is to call out the immorality -- the rudeness, the laziness, the supposed negligent ineptitude, the indifference -- of others rather than turn the light on ourselves. All I can think when I watch a show like The Wire or, to a lesser degree, Treme (there are slight differences in the way these two shows approach moral ambiguity) is that some of my choices have been made easier by sheer luck, and doing the next right thing is hard for us all. For instance, I've never done crack cocaine at least in part because I've never been offered any, known anyone who did (until after they quit using), or even known where to begin to get some. Some people grow up with it in their house. <br /><br />If anything, these shows call out the great immoral other. True immorality -- evil -- isn't born of individuals but of systems. My mother and I were talking about how any time you have a group of people working together, you have problems. That's not a suggestion we should disband and all go off to find our own, solitary caves in which to live and eek out an existence. It simply means that our nature comes into the spotlight the moment we all start working together to create systems, such as a government. But if we can bring compassion into the mix -- the kind of compassion only fostered by hearing the very messy stories of other people's lives and relating them to our own in some way -- then we can escape what causes the problems. We can stop reacting to other people and their immorality, real or imagined, and start doing something about our own. <br /><br />Until then, we'll all just be doing the best we can with what we've got.nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-798427981722474289.post-78095712411588259402012-02-15T09:38:00.001-08:002012-02-15T10:13:50.013-08:00In Honor of Valentine's Day: The Plight of the Married LadyDallas' public radio station, KERA, recently ran a pledge drive, and I finally pledged. I've been a regular listener for a while now -- in fact, I consider popping in a CD every once in a while, but I have a panic attack at the thought of what I might miss if not listening to NPR. It's kind of nuts, considering I've started having panic attacks due to some of the things they regularly talk about on NPR (a running series seems to focus on people who've been unemployed FOR YEARS -- my poor heart can't take it). Alas, however, I'm probably doomed to panic attacks over some such thing for the rest of my life. I deal. And I gave to my local NPR station because I listen all the time. They finally guilted me into it.<br /><br />And then they promptly shat all over my good graces.<br /><br />I filled out the donation form using my name -- Nan Kirkpatrick -- as the primary contact. Actually, I was technically the only contact. And I gave them my personal checking account information. Sean (my husband) and I do have a joint checking account, but he was donating from his own funds. We're modern like that. So, so far I've given them my name and my personal checking account information. Then I saw a small, not required space for "Name of Spouse." I put "Sean Kirkpatrick." Looking back, this was my big mistake. At the time, however, I thought nothing of it. I'm a good test taker, I guess -- I don't leave anything blank.<br /><br />A couple of weeks went by, and I got my membership information in the mail. What I saw turned my blood to ice. The envelope was addressed to <span style="font-style:italic;">Mr. and Mrs. Sean Kirkpatrick</span>.<br /><br />I was livid. Absolutely aghast. Completely at a loss for words. I'd taken the time to give those...those...assholes my hard earned money -- money that I, NAN Kirkpatrick, put in a lot of effort to obtain -- and I didn't even receive recognition except as a "Mrs." Heck, Sean received first-name recognition, and based on my knowledge of the world, my paycheck, personal bank account, and time do not belong to him. He didn't have anything to do with the giving of that money. He was a not required blank. He was, in this instance, an afterthought.<br /><br />He also seemed a little at a loss when I was ranting about the situation. I know. This is not something that on the surface seems like a big deal to dudes, and I cannot say that I blame them. They walk through life knowing that if they put their spouses name in the not required blank, the envelope will always come addressed to them...and some unnamed other. They know that if they give THEIR MONEY to an entity, the entity will not then treat them like a possession, a mere Mr. to someone else's Mrs. And that reminds me...I always fill out forms as "Ms." Those jerks couldn't even get that part right.<br /><br />Throughout history, women have been barred from financial independence. Actual laws kept women dependent on men for financial stability. I cherish my right to earn my own money and keep it where I please. And I don't appreciate the societal standard trampling all over common sense -- it should've been obvious that I was the one to be thanked based on my name being the primary contact alone -- to keep from me what I am owed: KERA's gratitude for my fucking money.<br /><br />I sent them an email letting them know how I felt. I don't remember the specifics, but I do remember that it ended with, "This is 2012. Get with the program." They still haven't responded. And I'm still livid whenever I think about it. I'm livid because it's just a very obvious reminder that I am not even considered an equal partner in my own marriage by society, let alone as a complete and separate individual. <br /><br />Happy Valentine's Day!nanarchisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14223431351094544495noreply@blogger.com1